I Write Jesus

I write this blog with a strong sense of conviction in my heart for the younger version of myself and for the many young girls whose views of relationships specifically romantic relationships have been shaped by societal norms and expectations around them. This piece is written largely from my own perspective and experiences as a young woman having navigated a relationship, reflecting on the lessons and some questions that have emerged along the way.

I grieve deeply at the world view or narratives that continue to shape today’s dating culture. More than that, my heart aches for the young woman who has not been discipled to first understand her identity in Christ before pursuing intimacy or affection from a partner. So often, we are taught how to pursue love, yet we are rarely taught to know the very source of love. Until our identity is rooted in Him, we risk looking to people to provide what only God was ever meant to give.

The Lie I Believed

For the most part of my life, I thought I understood what love meant as well as the process of finding a partner. I thought I understood what it felt like to be whole through finding love. Little did I know then that my view of romantic relationships was largely informed by culture.

The formula seemed simple: have a guy pursue you, have him express romantic interest in you, learn that you share the same values and principles, date long enough to get to know one another and eventually decide that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Some of the sequence I describe here is not entirely wrong. The challenge, however, is that this sequence is often rooted in a worldview and is not sustainable. This view focuses on finding the right person, yet it overlooks your identity in Christ and understanding whose you are, who you are and the source of “love”.

Little did I know that in pursing God wholeheartedly He would transform my entire being and existence and teach me that my identity is first established in Him before another person. God showed me that I can spend my whole life searching for love only to discover that love is ultimately found in Him. When you dont know your identity in Christ, you often seek validation in places that cannot satisfy who you are. But when you know whose you are, you understand that love flows from God first and only then can you love others in truth and wholeness.

So what happens when your identity is rooted in Christ?

You begin to see life through a different lens. Your decisions are no longer driven primarily by feelings, cultural expectations, or what seems right in the moment. Instead, you begin to view life through the lens of God’s truth. When you know whose you are, you become less concerned with what the world says you should pursue and more concerned with what God requires of you.

I honestly did not intend for this section to be long, but as I unpack some of my relationship experiences in the section below, you will understand why identity has become such a significant conviction for me.

A long term relationship reflection from a 29 year old

As I reflect having turned 29 years old in June, I reflect on starting the I Write Jesus blog and the heart behind the blog which was and is being obedient to God about sharing the good news. Writing parts of my story in the previous blogs has felt emotional to put on paper. Yet I continue to remind myself that I do not write for my own agenda or recognition. Rather, I write because I believe God can use our stories for His purpose and His glory.

As I shared in my first blog, I grew up as a respectful and disciplined child. By most measures, I was doing well. I honoured my parents, completed my studies all the way to a Master’s degree (a little humble brag!), and I always avoided choices that would trouble my parents.

I am now two years out of a very long-term relationship where I thought I understood what love was. And for much of my life, although I knew about God, I did not truly know Him. Looking back, I can see that despite doing many things right, I had not stopped to ask some of life’s most important questions such as:

1. Was my identity truly rooted in Christ?
2. Were my desires aligned with God’s purpose for my life?
3. Was I being led by conviction, or simply by what felt right at the time?

Like many young women, I wanted love. But I had not yet grasped that before God teaches us about intimacy, He often teaches us about identity. Before I could understand who to partner with, I first needed to understand whose I was. I could not claim to know how to love someone well if I did not yet fully understand who I was in Christ.

Looking back, I can see moments where my desires spoke louder than God’s instruction. I do not write this with regret, nor does it take away the lessons learnt, however God used this season of my life to shape, refine and mature me. He also used the lessons to bring me into a season of surrender where He began teaching me that relationships make a poor foundation for identity. Identity must come first through Him.

One of the deepest convictions I carry today is this: if you do not know whose you are, you will struggle to discern who you should walk with. If you do not know the Author of marriage, it becomes easy to pursue the idea of love while overlooking God’s design for it. And if your identity is not rooted in Christ, you may spend years building something only to realise you never stopped to ask whether God was leading you there.

Sometimes God calls us away from what is familiar, not because He wants to take something from us, but because He wants to reveal something greater. In my case, before God could teach me about partnership, He first had to teach me about identity.

Looking back now, I can honestly say that I had no business trying to build a lifelong partnership when I did not even know who I was. I had no business trying to join my life to someone else’s when my identity was still being shaped by my desires, my feelings, and what I thought love was, rather than by God’s truth.

That may sound harsh, but it is the truth. I was pursuing partnership without first understanding purpose. I wanted intimacy before identity. I wanted to be chosen by someone, yet I had not fully grasped what it meant to belong to Christ. How could I discern who I should walk with when I had not first learned to walk wholeheartedly with God?

Looking back, I realise that many of the questions I grieve not asking were questions I was not even equipped to ask at the time. My understanding of love, relationships, marriage, and even myself was immature. I was building something with sincere intentions, but sincerity is not the same as wisdom. I thought finding the right person was the goal, when God was far more concerned with shaping who I was becoming.

The problem was never whether I had found the right person; it was that I had not yet become rooted in the One who defines who I am. Before God could teach me how to walk with someone else, He first had to teach me how to walk with Him.

Looking back now, I can see how kind God has been in my season of singleness. What began as a decision to pursue God wholeheartedly became one of the greatest gifts He has given me.

Found by grace. Living to make Him known.